A shameless plug and some writing lessons from Scott Saalman

I sent Scott Saalman some questions about a year ago. Today, on his birthday, he decided to share his answers with me.

Scott has made a living writing written thousands a lot of columns for The Herald in which his self-deprecating humor usually gets at least a couple chuckles.

He recently published his second book of essays, Will Write for Food. I think he finally responded to my questions to sell some books.

Also, a dollar from each book sale goes to the Dubois County Food Bank.

Q: What is the process of your writing?

A: Here are the steps.
Step 1: Sit down.
Step 2: Stand up.
Step 3: Go to cabinet for Fritos.
Step 4: Repeat Step 1.
Step 5: Hate self for eating Fritos.
Step 6: Think to self, “There are still more Fritos in cabinet.”
Step 7: Repeat Step 2 and Step 3.
Step 8: Go to gym to overcome Frito guilt.
Step 9: Think to self, “I should have Fritos to reward me for going to the gym.”
Step 10: Repeat Step 3.
Step 11: Repeat Step 1.
Step 12: Move sleeping cat off my laptop keyboard.
Step 13: Think to self: “Wait a minute! I don’t even own a cat!”
Step 14: Close house door that was left open when returning from gym that enabled feral cat to enter.
Step 15: Repeat Step 11.
Step 16: Think of first word to type.
Step 17: Type the word “The.”
Step 18: Delete “The” and replace with “A.”
Step 19: Replace “A” with “The.”
Step 20: Delete “A.” Type “I.” First person is best.
Step 21: Ponder second word until noticing Frito finger grease on keys.
Step 22: Repeat Step 3.
Step 23: Remove Frito-crumb-faced stray, feral cat from cabinet. Deal with disappointment at finding Fritos bag empty. Remind self to close cabinet door next time so cat doesn’t get in.
Step 24: Repeat Step 1.
Step 25: Repeat Step 12.
Step 26: Lick Frito grease from keyboard when cat not looking.
Step 27: Look at letter “I” on computer screen.
Step 28: Pleased with first word choice for new column. “I” is a good start. It opens you up for great opportunity.
Step 29: Remember Hemingway’s advice on writing: “When you are going good, stop writing.”
Step 30: Stop writing.
Step 31: Save file.
Step 32: Repeat Step 1 tomorrow. See where it takes you.

Q: Which step in your writing process do you consider to be the most important for your success?

A: Disciplined faithfulness to Step 1, plain and simple.

Q: The ideas come from your own experience it seems, but what guides you in choosing what aspect or event in your life to write about?

A: Looking back on my columns, the main theme I find is I am making fun of myself. Abbie Rumbach, who writes the blog http://www.thekidsmademefat.com, does the same thing. So does Stan Levco. We riddle ourselves with self-inflicted word bullets.

Some people share their essays with me but unfortunately, they make fun of others. I’m uncomfortable with that. Well, family is fair game, though. I mean, how can I pass up the opportunity to write about my mom meeting Bill Cosby in a casino parking lot and he ends up giving her a grammar lesson? Priceless. Or when my brother mistakenly enters someone’s house to use their restroom when he thinks he is actually entering a church hall. Priceless.

Hey, it’s my life too.

I often tell people I hope something goes wrong so I have material for a column. No one wants to read about the perfect family vacation. They want to read about the disastrous one. So, when my son knocked a seashell lamp off the counter at a souvenir shop in Destin many years ago, that was actually a good thing. When I started arguing with the store owner about whose financial responsibility it was, that was also a good thing. When I was kicked out of the shop, even better! When I was banned from ever entering Destin again, priceless!

So, yes, it’s always great when things go wrong. Well, except during flights. I prefer nothing go wrong on a plane. And during sex—which I won’t write about (for that would be making fun of someone else).

Q: Do you feel that you have an inordinate amount of funny events in your life?

A: I’m sure we all do. I’m just constantly aware of my surroundings. My brain never shuts off. I’m mentally geared to find the absurdities in life — or more likely they find me. So hopefully there is a napkin around to jot down reminders.

Q: You also write about music quite a bit, why?

A: Good question. Music is possibly the most important thing in my life. I can’t do anything without music. It has saved my butt during some lonely times. My tastes run the gamut, though I hate modern country music.

I went with a friend to a Kenny Chesney concert last summer and I was miserable. I haven’t written about that yet. The shock hasn’t worn off. I felt the same way Ned Beatty likely felt on “Deliverance” after he escaped the woods.

Often, if I write about music, it’s usually based on a concert-going experience. Concerts are ripe for things going wrong. Not the music, itself, but the people around me make it for an overall miserable experience.

I don’t know why I keep going to concerts. I’ve been to far more than should humanly be allowed. I’m miserable at them. It never fails that I find myself sitting directly behind some seven-footer, or behind someone with the fattest head in the world—I’m talking Macy’s Parade Float sized head.

I think legislation should be enacted that allows short people to sit in the front rows. I’m going to ask state representative Mike Braun to look into that. I’m not sure how tall Mike is. I hope he’s a short guy. His wife, Maureen, is short, so she might be my inroad.

Q: Your first essay collection was called “Nose Hairs Gone Wild.” I’m surprised you didn’t name this current one “Nose Hairs Gone Wilder.” What gives?

A: I originally assumed that putting the term nose hairs in a book title would make it memorable, thus drive sales. I think it backfired on me, though. I read the title essay, “Nose Hairs Gone Wild,” on a public radio station, and the station immediately received this Tweet from an alert listener: “Please stop. I’m trying to eat lunch.”

I regrouped my thinking for the second book. Both books, by the way, are available on Amazon: “Nose Hairs” as a download and “Will Write For Food” as a real book. You can also get “Will Write For Food” at Chocolate Bliss and Mad Batter Bakery, or out of my car trunk.

In my heart though, I still think of my second book as Nose Hairs Gone Wild.

Q: Are you ever going to finish the Nose Hair trilogy?

A: The third book is in process and will likely be out by next summer. It will either be called “Flush After Use,” “50 Shades of Nose Hairs Gone Wild,” or “Column Writing Is Not Pretty.” If it’s the latter, I already have the cover art ready.